Losing the battle.

So here I am, back in Vietnam. I never returned to England. I’ve been back around 3 weeks now attempting to create a new life in Da Nang alongside my fiance. We have jobs, a new apartment, new friends. This is where I should be saying that things are fantastic and I’m loving life, but I’m not.

The truth is that my depression has reared it’s ugly head again, forcing me into a constant state of negativity. Many things lately have contributed to this of late, for instance the job I do, I dislike it, and I know it’s not a perfect world, not everyone can have a job they love. But you really have to reconsider the job you do when the very thought of going into work brings your entire mood down.

The job’s hours aren’t helping either, this past week I’ve been 2-10pm, and my partner 8am-5pm. For me this is pure torture, I usually use our time together to get away from negative thoughts, chill out, have fun and explore our new city. However working different shifts have meant no time together, and if I’m honest I’m useless at spending time by myself, all I do is wallow in self pity, so the less time I spend alone the better.

Here in Vietnam it’s been difficult to make friends and find others who share the same interests, especially those who can speak your language and are able to have a proper conversation with. Not sure I’ve had a good conversation with anyone in a while, and right now that’s what I need. And so the search continues.

Returning to England has been mentioned, however I know that that is not the solution. I can’t be happy there either. England is a step backwards, and yes I have friends and family there who I miss, but the comfortable and safe life living there is something I have done. We left the country to explore the world, and so I can’t give in and let depression and anxiety win again. Can’t let it control me. However currently it’s winning.

Something needs to change, a new job maybe, something I can look forward to doing. Something that gives us the the funds to actually continue our travels, the original reason for coming here to work. We basically earn enough to have a roof over our heads and eat. There’s many out there that don’t have that, so I am of course grateful for that.

I just hope I can find happiness again. I have a reason to stay out here and fight for this life, my fiance. She’s the only good thing in my life out here. Just got to keep fighting, somewhere deep down inside me is positivity. I hope.

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4 Replies to “Losing the battle.”

  1. Life has its twists and turns, it’s moments of joy, and moments of unhappiness, life has a habit of giving us the unexpected. The fact you are writing about how you feel is a positive, a step forward, many people can’t do that but you can, keep pushing forward, something good will happen I know it,

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The only practical solution is to return to UK and get professional medical help. Nothing can be achieved long term by attempting to fight an adversary of which you know not of how to defeat it.

    Like

      1. Without doubt as many examples and even the placebo effect has shown us, however having the strength within to defeat and knowing how to defeat the foe need to be considered independent of one another. Know what needs to be considered or you could be punching air, professionals are required to help understand and train you for the battle.

        >>>

        “The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand”

        Sun Tzu

        Like

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