So here I am, back in Vietnam. I never returned to England. I’ve been back around 3 weeks now attempting to create a new life in Da Nang alongside my fiance. We have jobs, a new apartment, new friends. This is where I should be saying that things are fantastic and I’m loving life, but I’m not.
The truth is that my depression has reared it’s ugly head again, forcing me into a constant state of negativity. Many things lately have contributed to this of late, for instance the job I do, I dislike it, and I know it’s not a perfect world, not everyone can have a job they love. But you really have to reconsider the job you do when the very thought of going into work brings your entire mood down.
The job’s hours aren’t helping either, this past week I’ve been 2-10pm, and my partner 8am-5pm. For me this is pure torture, I usually use our time together to get away from negative thoughts, chill out, have fun and explore our new city. However working different shifts have meant no time together, and if I’m honest I’m useless at spending time by myself, all I do is wallow in self pity, so the less time I spend alone the better.
Here in Vietnam it’s been difficult to make friends and find others who share the same interests, especially those who can speak your language and are able to have a proper conversation with. Not sure I’ve had a good conversation with anyone in a while, and right now that’s what I need. And so the search continues.
Returning to England has been mentioned, however I know that that is not the solution. I can’t be happy there either. England is a step backwards, and yes I have friends and family there who I miss, but the comfortable and safe life living there is something I have done. We left the country to explore the world, and so I can’t give in and let depression and anxiety win again. Can’t let it control me. However currently it’s winning.
Something needs to change, a new job maybe, something I can look forward to doing. Something that gives us the the funds to actually continue our travels, the original reason for coming here to work. We basically earn enough to have a roof over our heads and eat. There’s many out there that don’t have that, so I am of course grateful for that.
I just hope I can find happiness again. I have a reason to stay out here and fight for this life, my fiance. She’s the only good thing in my life out here. Just got to keep fighting, somewhere deep down inside me is positivity. I hope.